Driving home from my poling class late last night my mood became as heavy as the fog that blurred the street lights. The further I drove away from the studio and the lights of suburbia, and the deeper I drove into the darkness of the rural bush area I call home, the heavier it all became - the fog and my mood.
I entered my quiet dimly lit house, gently placed my pole bag on the floor next to the door, and quietly walked to my bedroom. I stared at my bed momentarily, then flopped onto it grabbing one of my pillows, and I waited as the emotion released. I sobbed quietly, alone with my thoughts. The tears kept coming and I let them, I didn't interrupt them, slow them down, or try to gain some sort of control. I cried unashamedly, sobbingly, I wet the pillowcase my head was on with my tears... and then I was done. It was over quickly but the release of the emotion, the flow of thoughts, the sense of being emotionally and physically drained it still sits with me this morning, but it's passing and I am accepting the situation I find myself in.
|So much fog this morning...|
The cause of my tears is a common one to polers at some stage in their pole experience... FRUSTRATION. Complete, absolute, total frustration.
It's a roadblock of sorts that you just can't move on from or progress further with until you get it sorted. Well, that's how it seems when your frustration reaches a peak point, like mine did last night.
Having that emotional release, a good old cry, seems to trigger a response in me where it's time to decide what to do. Do I give up - which I don't want to do, do I change - I don't know that I'm ready to, or do I move on to something completely different? I don't know fully yet what I'll do, this is a thought in progress while I sit and write this.
My frustration is my core strength, well lack of core strength. I'm truly struggling with my inverted V, you may know it as an inverted straddle. And in the level I am currently in there is a layback, hands free, which I then need to pull up out of. I can get in to the layback okay, but pulling back up is not happening. The fact that I am roughly two meters off the ground in this layback makes it super scary as there is no alternative way out.
I have practiced what I preach, I do only compare myself to myself. I do see how far I've come along in my poling, my strength, and my flow. But I feel I'm stuck at the moment, truly, truly stuck.
I do have a good core workout, and I have made phenomenal improvements. I was someone who had absolutely zero abdominal strength, I have certainly come a long way from those days, but it's not enough to achieve what I need to achieve. Of course I want to achieve it quicker than I am as well.
|The fog is lifting...|
I think it's a bit serendipitous that the Pole Gym I attend is not too far off commencing a new term. There is courses on offer for Sexy style pole dancing, which is my love. I'm planning on taking them and really focusing on them, focusing on the moves, the floor work, the choreography, and freestyling.
I will once again be holding myself down and repeating my current pole level, again. So this will be my third time at doing level six. I plan to continue with my core development program, and I think I will investigate upping it more, depending on how I cope, and spend the next six week pole term focusing on ab work and dancing dirty, and not so much on my level six course.
I'm hoping that playing to my strengths will give my confidence a boost, my ego a bit of hug, and just not sweat the inverted V as much or layback pull up. I know it will happen eventually, it has to. So I guess I'm just parking the bus so to speak at level six and expanding my horizons with other opportunities.
Of course to ease my suffering I have ordered two new pairs of shoes, one for poling and one for going out all glam like. I'm sure you understand and probably agree this is a good way to cope with my situation. For the record this was also just a random cosmic coincidental event, it was meant to be... see I get my silver lining too.
|Shoes make me happy|
Time to take a deep breath, recognise everyone will have their pole struggles, and if you stick with it, try not to make too big a drama about it, it will happen eventually. So long as you're doing your best to get there, it has to.