I have no motivation, no inspiration, and definitely no desire to Pole Dance. I want to cry, it's just so sad to no longer desire something that made me feel so alive, so sensual, so vital.
Two months ago everything stopped, not just pole dancing, everything I took time out to do for myself came to an abrupt and unplanned halt. Huge unexpected family dramas, internal and external to my little family of four, smashed into me with all the ensuing emotion, stress, and definitely overwhelming chaos.
I've just had to ride it out while finding answers for myself during this time and I've been terribly, terribly sad. I spent the first month crying many times each and every day. I could feel myself sinking deeper and deeper into a very sad state and have been struggling with figuring out how to find my way out.
I think time has helped plenty.
Time spent thinking, feeling, talking, lots of talking, and then even more talking, and I'm finding myself starting to look forward and planning ahead. I don't cry as frequently, maybe weekly now, but I am nowhere near my happy place yet and I'm only now starting to find joy in the simplest of things again.
The last few days I've felt change starting.
I'm at an emotionally stable place where I can start to put in to practice the things I tell others when they seek my advice:
It's time to stop the tears.
It's time to take the steps.
It's time to find my happy again.
I have to start doing things for myself again, even when I don't feel like it. I know with time and self nurturing the joy will come back, the happiness will return, and to top it off I will get my mojo back. All I have to do is make a start.
So what have I done to get things started. You ready for this?
I bought black leather over the knee boots. Oh, yes I did!
I bought a nice red dress with black leather strips through it. Oh, yes I did!
I bought some lovely underwear, the kind with bling on it. Oh, yes I did!
And I'm actually planning on wearing it to an event this weekend.
|It looks much better on, will try to take a pic when dressed up :)|
And as much as I have no desire to do anything physical, I miss how it made me feel.
I miss what I could do. I miss my fitness. I miss dancing. I miss my pole. I miss dancing sexily, using my strength and muscles, wearing heels, sweating, moving, lifting and swaying, finding that incredibly sensual side to dancing, I miss all that and more.
|My abandoned pole. Must change that soon :)|
Mostly, I'm hoping being at this event and seeing my pole family will help re-ignite that spark, or set me willingly on the path to strap on my pole shoes, crank up the music, and get dancing dirty again. I think I need it, it gives me that balance, that mental energy to cope with anything, and definitely that spark in my eyes that hints of the naughty things I'm capable of.
So while I'm not 'back', I'm skirting the fringes looking for a way in, ready to find a way in.
I'll get there, I just need to be patient with myself, be gentle, and give those I love time. We'll all get there in the end.
Hopefully I'll find myself willingly swinging off a pole once more.
I'll keep you in the loop.